Rolling With the Low Days
Do I have depression, or am I depressed?
I think there’s a fine distinction between the two. I’ve seen what real depression looks like. It’s dark, it’s lonely, it’s hopeless—and it lasts.
Simply being depressed feels different. You have the same symptoms, but they don’t linger for days, months, or years.
That’s how I know I’m depressed, but I don’t have depression.
Yes, I’m depressed. And the last thing I want to do right now is put that out in front of all my family and friends. In my experience, that’s one of the traits of being depressed: it’s a quiet feeling you don’t share. Instead, you pretend it isn’t there. It’s ironic, really.
Why is it that when I feel lonely, down, and forgotten, I naturally shrink away from others?
That’s why feeling depressed can be tricky—and full-on depression can feel impossible to escape. Not just because it’s a heavy burden, but because it makes me not want to share that burden with anyone. I tell myself things like, “It’s fine, this will go away tomorrow, no need to make a big deal of it,” or, “Yeah, this sucks, but if I just try harder it’ll pass.”
But talking about being depressed isn’t making a big deal out of it. It’s communicating.
That’s why I’m writing this blog. Not to gain pity, but to communicate. My posts are usually upbeat, happy, and hopeful—but I want you to see that I’m not always that way.
I have hard days where it feels impossible to stay positive. Days like today, when I got to work and realized I’d forgotten my I.D., so I had to go back home and ended up late for the first time. Days like today, when lunchtime came and I realized I hadn’t brought food. Days like today, when a student refused to listen and I had to make a call to his parents.
I had a bad day. It’s as simple as that. And I’m not writing some fantastic takeaway, I’m not going to spin it into a positive, and I’m not going to promise it’ll be better tomorrow. The truth is, I don’t know.
But maybe that’s the point. Sometimes life gets you down. I’m down—and for now, I’m just rolling with it.
